THERE’S nothing like a hotel stay to release your inner dieter.
Just peep at that laminated book of satanic verses they call a room service menu: If that’s going to be your source of sustenance, you’re in dire, better-off-being-hungry straits, my friend.
Forget the fact that your $55 burgers — only available during a window of time no one’s ever hungry in — will be avalanched in pickles you specifically said to hold.
Forget that the deliverer will have to awkwardly step over your unmentionables, only to plunk down said R2D2-head-covered meal atop your laptop. Oh, he forgot those dwarven mustard and ketchup bottles, too? No worries, he’ll come back with them in a good hour or so.
Forget that he’ll be even more awkwardly staring at you with bated breath as you scribble in his requisite tip on the bill for the pleasure.
Forget it all: The food is going to suck.
Or will it?
Here are some welcome, delectable exceptions to the typical room service curse. Don’t get it twisted: Your meal and — fugeddaboutit — booze will still be criminally overpriced. But with this kind of delicious, over-the-top menu porn, you’ll be sure to at least get some stomachic satisfaction.
Hilton Anatole, Dallas
Round these parts, icebox pie, a.k.a the “Millionaire Pie,” is layers of graham cracker crust, rich vanilla-bean ice cream and tart raspberry sorbet, all topped with fluffy, toasted meringue. Available on the 24-hour room service menu, that diabetic kill switch is $16.
Soho House, Berlin
A German-Italian alliance isn’t always such a scary thing. Here, try the ricotta gnocchi with smoked duck and friarielli peppers. Served until midnight, it’s 14 euros.
The Venetian, Las Vegas
OK, so your daughter isn’t going to college because you bet on red. A stack of 24-hour room service tiramisu pancakes (three chocolate-chip pancakes topped with vanilla-mascarpone mousse and espresso syrup) will assuage your guilt. Just $21.
The Little Nell, Aspen
Got an itchin’ for ichthyoid ovaries needs scratchin’? Order up a “snack” of Petrossian’s Royal Ossetra caviar at Lil’ Nell. It’s $221 an ounce (28 grams) on the hotel’s all-day room service menu.
Viceroy, Santa Monica
Twerk your bwerkfast with this SoCal shack’s shakshuka (two eggs simmered in a rich spiced tomato- and roasted pepper-sauce with feta and pita bread). It’s served up Cast restaurant-to-room for $24.
Il Salviatino, Fiesole, Italy
You can find me in the tub, bottle full of bub. That’s exactly what you’ll get when you order up the baptism-by-fire water that is the “Ultimate Bubble Bath” inside this 15th-century villa. From 9000 euros, depending on your sparkling liquor wishes: prosecco, spumante or French Champagne.
JW Marriott El Convento, Cusco, Peru
Dioxygen is a precious commodity when you’re up into the Andes. Call the front desk to activate your room’s built-in “oxygen-enrichment” system, and wash it down with local favourite coca tea (the second funnest use of the coca plant) for less than a Jackson note.
W, Fort Lauderdale
For when your hangover feels like hell, ring up the Whatever/Whenever ambassadors for a “Relieve & Revive Recovery” cure, which includes a DIY Bloody Mary kit (Tito’s Handmade Vodka, tomato juice, lime and celery), bottles of water, Band-Aids for when you threw down (look at you, World Star Hip Hop headliner!) and a few headache/nausea remedies.
JW Marriott Cancun Resort & Spa
Unless you’re dreaming about marshmallows, Club 91’s (the resort’s “boutique hotel within a hotel” top floor) pillow menu isn’t exactly edible. But it is, nevertheless, awesome. Choose between memory double curve, memory hard foam, or gel hypo-allergenic noggin cushions.
Sublime Samana Hotel & Residences, Las Terrenas, Dominican Republic
Knock, knock. That’s not food at your door, but your own personal chef. Put in your order the night before and he/she will come in and churn out some combination of pancakes, eggs and other traditional Dominican breaky fare in your casita’s kitchen. Chow down on your private terrace; $74.
Casas del XVI, Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic
Speaking of inviting total strangers into your room, at Casas del XVI, a butler will deliver your coffee or tea as you like it on a tray with a freshly prepared breakfast right up to your bed. It’s less creepy than it sounds, we promise.
The Mulia & Mulia Villas, Bali, Indonesia
You have nine on-property restaurants to hit up a this Nusa Dua-set resort, but if you’re feeling especially agoraphobic, there are over 160 items on the in-room menu to try. Here’s a baker’s dozen to start with:
• Petite Black Angus Fillet Mignon, Foie & Eggs
• Truffle Poached Eggs with Corned Beef
• Babi Guling set
• Canadian Lobster Bisque
• Sup Buntut “Mulia”
• Roasted Tasmanian Salmon
• Nasi Bali
• Nasi Bakar Ikan Tongkol
• Nasi Campur “Mulia”
• Gourmet BBQ — Live Cooking
• The Mulia Seafood BBQ — Live Cooking
• Young Thai Coconut Jelly
• Char Kwe Tiaw Seafood
Half Moon, a RockResort, Montego Bay, Jamaica
It’s not about what you order here — it’s how they’ll deliver it: On their heads, while riding a bike.
The Arrabelle at Vail Square
You’re hard-pressed to out snoot Vail, and any skimping on room service is unthinkable. No exception is this luxe property which recently debuted a “spa on-demand” menu where you can have a face mask, bath salts, wine and chocolate delivered to your door to help get your life (or, in-room iPads, too, for lost causes). Three to choose from:
• Grande Luxe — Lavender and honey bath salts, honey-oat pajama paste yoghurt face mask, salted caramels and a glass of wine paired for the experience ($70)
• Bourbon Revival — For sore muscles, this offering includes a Dilo Rescue milk bath and after-bath body gel, under-eye collagen revival mask and a glass of bourbon ($66)
• Feeling Smitten — Gelato sugar scrub, body cream pop and cupcake bath bomb ($48)
Andaz Maui at Wailea Resort, Hawaii
Sure, this is Spam country, but in-room dining ops at this 15-acre, LEED Silver-certified resort are a smidgen more ambitious: kale pork Benedict, a Moloka’i ranch burger, fresh fish of the day and a Hawaiian bento box with longganisa sausage, fried rice, fried egg, pineapple, pickled vegetables, wake salad and dried shrimp.
This article originally appeared in the NYPost.